Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
