hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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