sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sarcasm needs its own font
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
