I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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