I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Fuck appropriateness.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
