Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
