i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
