Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
