After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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