i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
