nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
