so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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