after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
