i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
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I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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