Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
