I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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