i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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