woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
