I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
