Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
