My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
