I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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