sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
