hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
