OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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