Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
