my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
