I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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