you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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