Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
