dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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