Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
