We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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