I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
