just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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