Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
