I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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