So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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