Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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