Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
