The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
