I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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