I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize