Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
