so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
