well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
