Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
