airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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