I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
