So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
