youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
