why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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