She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do vagina's smell?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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