My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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