I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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