Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
