I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Who died my cat blue again?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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