i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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