saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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