I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And then he peed in my hair
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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